Impulse

Alchemy

2009-04-07T01:06:00.000-07:00

The rain washes away all, along with our hopes for the day.

It may provide reprieve for some today;

It heralds the arrival of the summer sun.

Like an executioner sharing an anecdote;

Before aiming the gun.

Make haste, start living your life.

Today will always seem calm,

and tomorrow a storm.

Take control and put on your rain-coat.

Its not going to be pleasant but we must face that someday;

better today than tommorrow.

There they were; two trees arching for an entrance from nowhere of relevance into nothing in particular except for staging the battle between the moon and the darkness, with the moonlight falling piercingly like sharp arrows and the darkness swallowing them like a hungry river.

There is a fire burning in the distance, it flickers and goes out; like a faraway star which was already dead when it was christened. There is a law of equivalent trade in everything in the universe. There can be no absolute joy without the possibility of absolute pain.

*Trrrinngg*Trrringg* The sound of the elderly Sohrab Bicylce drew me out of my aloof and apathetic gaze. Thats when it happened a distincnt chance encounter with the sensation of freedom. What did that sensation look like? It had an unadulterated, unassuming and pointless smile. Pointless because it wasn't because of or towards somebody, it was just because it was, with no agenda of its own. Like a lonesome wildflower on the top of a hill, with no apparent purpose, but beautiful in its 'derive-less purpose' existence.

There was fire in those eyes and a mysterious cohesion with the elements all around. The fire burns, but i've already tied myself to the stake. I'm warm, i'm disillusioned... i'm a moth.

Like a fleeting fragrance, she came, she passed and she intoxicated. A thousand conflicts were put at bay. A thousand myths were slayed. A million more were born.

In one moment, inbetween one blink, one heartbeat, one breath and one flap of a moth's wings, i was dismantled and then restructured; standing there staring at the possibility of absolute pain.

Of things known and unknown.

2009-03-01T22:42:00.000-08:00

Is there is a thread that starts in another plane, crosses into this plan where I’m conscious about having a life, then it is supposed to cross back before it does a cross-stitch to cover up what was known as my existence here on earth?

How many of us have wondered about it? Why can’t we find the answer? Why do we suppress our curiosity? Where is this all going? Where all has it gone to so far? Where is it at right now?

So what happens when you die? Am I the only one who thinks about that, even though I write “Muslim” whenever a form asks me my religion? If I’m not the only one then why is everyone so obsessed with the accumulation of material wealth? This life is temporary, why the need for a bigger flat screen T.V? Why the struggle to save for a better car? Why lie to the beggar to afford a nicer meal? Why the fuss to find a financially settled husband? Why the designer bag and the Rolex watch?

If I really believe, why am I not out there doing everything I possibly can to earn as much divine brownie points to improve my chances to get into heaven? Why will I still wake up in the morning, convince myself that I’m working towards a better tomorrow and go through my routine for the day? Shouldn’t I be out there feeding the hungry, sheltering the homeless, lending a hand to the needy and standing up for a cause? Shouldn’t you?

What if I get into heaven? Will I just spend eternity drinking from the rivers of milk and bedding the dozens of “virgins”? Is heaven really the promise of gluttony and debauchery? Do people actually believe that they will indulge in all their fantasies in the after- life if they just control their perversion in this? Don’t they find it slightly ironic? If, in heaven, I’m supposed to get the woman I fancy in this life, then what of her? What if she doesn’t fancy spending eternity with me? Will she be a clone? If I know not any ambition, any jealousy, any vice and any sense of space/time, then will I still know lust and love? What if this life is just the test between heaven and hell? What if we’re all coming from hell and God is testing us to see if we’re ready for heaven now? Isn’t it the easy way out to just lose ones-self in religion and shutout the real world? Isn’t that cheating the test? Is it a coincidence that belief-systems exist, when without them there would be open anarchy? Without it we would never discover what civil means to a civilization? Would we find an alternative route in our evolutionary pursuit to achieve equilibrium with our surroundings; like all living organisms? Or would we fail just the same?

If I just walked out my gate tomorrow morning to go help the needy, how long will it be till I myself become one with the needy? What of my dreams? Is it a materialistic pursuit to want to see the whole world? Is it wrong to want to walk that mile to see if that really is love; this time, and not just another mirage? What is the noble pursuit? Could we exist without commerce?

Murtaza, you’re a hypocrite aren’t you? Why are you so conflicted? Does your curiosity of the after-life and its mechanics outweigh your curiosity of this life? How long before the scales tilt? Are you made of stone? Will you still wake up tomorrow in the pursuit of your own happiness? You will, wont you? Do you know something that the rest of the world doesn’t?

Presence of Absence

2008-04-14T05:58:00.000-07:00

Light, find yourself
for i have lost my path.
turn on your crimson flares
join my quest for knowledge.
bridge the torch and the fire.
light, show yourself....
you are the absence of darkness..
Time, measure yourself
for i shall deny you.
deny all the memoirs you wrote in me.
all the vows that you gave to me.
let change be engraved in all the stillness
in all the sadness...the dullness....
time,heal yourself
for presence,should you symbolise.

Mystery,uncloud yourself
for my search has not yet ended;
as the wine, it tastes unpure.
it lacks the essence of life
which i have turned to find...
and in vain not shall the day die
till such valor ,it remains inside.
mystery, come outside
and quench my thirst,honour my mind.
Emptiness, fill yourself
for i am provoked to swallow you;
lay not like a figure of depression.
be not a hollow cave.
nor a faceless entity of pure thought.
emptiness, go away
you are an insignia of absence...

Is it my turn yet?

2008-02-21T11:52:00.000-08:00

Today i heard an old song after a long time. Things racked up in the back of my mind got dusted. I realised that some part of me is still waiting for the next moment a few years ago. I think i have in some respect refused to move on, still waiting for 'time' to work its wonder, to heal, to connect or to discover. So i sit in an outlined box by myself.. behind me all the moments covered in dust & weathered just preserved by my memories when they pass through ever so rarely. So i sit, hunched & resting my head on my knees... my clothes torn and worn out, sticking out in the vast landscape of sand and stone as the wind sways about almost driven by lust; trying to wipe away my path behind me and enriching the unknown infront of me.
Every now and again i get up, dust myself and wander on ahead. I walk. I see. I try. I scar. I always find myself coming back to my familiar old box. It is where it got as good as it was to get for me.
Even the mirage gave up and left as it couldnt find anything to play on anymore. I wonder when it might come back. I wonder if ultimately i would have to just wander on ahead content at gazing at someone else's hallucination.
Where is my oasis to conjure?

[?] (Draft written last year on some random night)

2007-12-09T03:26:00.000-08:00

I wonder what it is about 'first times' that make them etched in your memory forever. Everyone remembers their first time of almost everything, be it a bad or an estatic experience. What happens when we think we've run out of firsts?

I wonder if everything in life is really black & white... with some shades of grey. Be born. Get an education. Get a job. Marry. Have kids. Get them an education. Die.

I wonder how many people are actually different from that one-line-life. I know almost everyone likes to say & imply that they are different, that theres more to them than being a glorified reproductive organism. Everyone has to have a role in the world. A title to give them identity. Money, i read in an obscure book, is the honey of humanity. Would, at the the end, my life even merit a plaque on a park bench?

One page at a time.

2006-10-20T07:16:00.001-07:00

Sometimes repeats are a way of letting your heart think so that your mind is free to wander places with trees and wild flowers.
Swarms of bees make that honey which tastes so sweet but there is always bound to be that sting in getting it. I wonder if I have that sting now.
I wonder like im supposed to in solitude. I wonder like im made to and I wonder as the t-junction of my faith and past force me to.
There are people in the world who are made for you to like without any real reason or affection. You just like them because they create that sensation in you. I think its something to do with the bodys rocket-science or something somewhat.
T-junctions are quiet the speed bumps when you are in a flow racing towards a particular conclusion of nothingness. They are actually a mirage of the complications underneath. A decision is never a singular decision in its entirety.

Belief is taught and not realised, maybe that’s the biggest flaw about it. Maybe it’s the way its preached or maybe that its preached in the first place.
So what we believe to be a t-junction may in reality be a cross-road and that faith blinds as its supposed to. Straying from going on the divine hunt is what really clouds the extension of the junction. I may never know for sure unless im born from my limitations. So I wonder whose making is this womb. I wonder because im dependant on it. I wonder what it nourishes me on.
Belief suffers when an idea is created. Its like they are from the same life force, like that once singular life force is being tampered with by ideas. Were moths to an idea’s glow, it doesn’t matter if its evil or pure, we’re consumed before we can really figure out. So what if i were born without the injection of perception as the commercial drug? Would my instincts exist? I really cant be sure. Without that injection, human nature in itself would be a voluntary vaccination. Man-made takes on a whole new meaning, personally speaking.

Stare at the sun.

2006-10-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday. Things floated in. Things I didn't want to be thinking about but was somehow forced to I suppose. Those thoughts are mainly to do with regret and figuring out if they were regrets yet or not. Those thoughts involved trying to figure out what the problem really was and why it was so. To figure that out I had to ask questions of myself beyond those which really concerned the current dilemmas but more general, retro and personal. I had myself thinking amongst my other thoughts why I think this way that I do sometimes. This blog was written at 6 in the morning because I couldn't sleep due to a few things, which mainly included me dozing off after a hearty dinner. Then I couldn't go back to sleep after I'd woken up after a few hours so I watched some television on which I mindlessly sat through 'Happy Gilmore' & 'Dogma'.

Why does happiness diminish relatively with age? Except for the blotch at the start when your born crying.. this reminds me of limpy's kink curve!(kinda) so after the initial kink on being born and being grumpy at the start the graph just goes downwards. I was happier at 5 than at 10 and likewise more so at 10 than 15 and so on. I make as much sense as limpy did to me.

Anyways back to the start then, I still haven't concluded all of my thinking. I'm still somewhere in between where I wanted to finish and where I'm headed. Obviously in all this I'm keeping in mind the fact if I think too much at times and yea I know that I most probably do but then I'm totally blank at other times as well so I suppose it all kind of evens itself out. The thing is that I get that superficial feeling of the need to evaluate myself. It's a chronic ailment. So this phase of evaluation involves, among other things, to figure out my current situation and consider the possibility of it being a case of 'as good as it gets' or if I could and should move on to better and brighter things. I guess one of the reasons why I do this could possibly be that I'm trying to compensate for the time Iv wasted. It could also very well be that I'm facing the challenge of being definitive in life and tackling all my demons head-on. Being the realist that I like to believe myself to be I think it's the latter. My mind will continue to go around in circles till some divine epiphany breaks the cycle.

In an effort to simplify my problems by making my answer choice binary, iv concluded that I have to choose between the 'what if' and the 'what now'. At this moment in time I'm going with the 'what now'. I'm thinking that this is as good as its going to get for me, so I'm asking myself the question 'what now?'. I couldn't help but find myself in this situation when most of my cornerstones start casting shadows. I'm looking for happiness in a moment every other moment and I find it in a sitcom or in a friend's cheesy joke. Why? I'm not sure. I cant help but get the feeling that this chronic ailment is called growing up, even if its in a moment every few hundred.

On the lighter side, iv joined the university footy league and we have our matches/training in the most beautiful place ever! countless football fields surrounded by green hills, a forest and an amazing lake. The pitches have the softest carpet like grass.. *nip..* in those 90mins life IS as good as it gets and im 5 again.

Dasti & the wisdom within

2006-08-03T04:32:00.000-07:00

The return.

... (to be cont. )

Preface

2006-05-14T18:31:00.000-07:00

What if i told you a story? what if it wasn't about love, hate, jealousy, greed or secrecy? would you still want to read it? Would you still want to read something which is based in wreckless disregard of what we are supposed to acknowledge as what a story is? Even if i told you that my story has the same aim a 90 year old rebel does? Is a story a story when its lines are made to feel instead of understanding? What would happen if i told you that story?

Dogma

2006-05-01T07:55:00.000-07:00

Do you think about a time when a flame would burn without air and any conditions. A time when it would be just the spark and the enternal adoration of a stainless world. Blood, lies, illusion and temptation would only go as far as to wash away from the heat. The air would leave no scars and no ashes. The platonic existance of the wax and the flame is perfection unrivalled even by the imperfect sphere of life. Does fire always know it burns? It reaches out for warmth with innocence but time betrays whatever it touches. I think about a time when the hours exist only for the seconds. My touch is of gold but your scorched. Am i cursed ?

2006-03-12T21:28:00.001-08:00

Spawn

2006-03-12T21:28:00.000-08:00

2006-03-12T21:27:00.000-08:00

fallen

2006-03-05T21:56:00.000-08:00

Bored

2006-03-05T21:51:00.000-08:00

You dont know me

2006-03-05T21:50:00.000-08:00

See it reflect in your eyes

Random Dedication

2006-03-03T18:33:00.000-08:00

Comme si je n'existais pas (As if I didn't exist)
Elle est passée à côté de moi (She passed by me)
Sans un regard, reine de "Saba" (Without a glance, the queen of "Saba")
J'ai dit Aïcha prends tout est pour toi (I said, Aïcha, take everything, it's all for you)

Voici les perles les bijoux (Here are pearls, jewelry)
Aussi l'or autour de ton cou (Also, gold for your neck)
Les fruits, biens mûrs au goût de miel (Fruits, ripe to the taste of honey)
Ma vie, Aïcha, si tu m'aimes (My life, Aïcha, if you love me)

J'irai où ton souffle nous mène (I will go where your breath takes us)
Dans les pays d'ivoire et des baignes (In the countries of ivory)
J'effacerai tes larmes ou tes peines (I will erase your tears or sorrows)
Rien n'est trop beau pour une si belle (Nothing is beautiful enough for one this beautiful)

Aïcha, Aïcha, écoute moi (Aïcha, Aïcha, listen to me)
Aïcha, Aïcha, t'en vas pas (Aïcha, Aïcha, don't go away)
Aïcha, Aïcha, regarde moi (Aïcha, Aïcha, look at me)
Aïcha, Aïcha, réponds-moi (Aïcha, Aïcha, answer me)

Je dirai les mots les poèmes (I will tell you words, poems)
Je jouerai les musiques du ciel (I will play music of the sky)
Je prendrai les rayons du soleil (I will take the rays of sun)
Pour éclairer tes yeux de reine (To illuminate the eyes of this queen)

Elle m'a dit: "Garde tes trèsors (She told me, "Keep your treasures)
Moi je vaux mieux que tout ça (I'm better than this)
Des barreaux sont des barreaux, même en or (Bars are bars, even if they are gold)
Je veux les mêmes droits que toi (I want the same rights you have)
Du respect pour chaque jour (Out of respect for each day)
Moi je ne veux que de l'amour (I don't want anything but your love)

Aïcha, Aïcha, écoute moi (Aïcha, Aïcha, listen to me)
Aïcha, Aïcha, t'en vas pas (Aïcha, Aïcha, don't go away)
Aïcha, Aïcha, regarde moi (Aïcha, Aïcha, look at me)
Aïcha, Aïcha, réponds-moi (Aïcha, Aïcha, answer me)

Random Scars - 1

2006-02-26T14:16:00.000-08:00

Sitting on a rock in contracting sunlight. What is he thinking ? He's staring at that tiny insect and among a million other thoughts wonders how long it took the bug to crawl up the huge rock.

Its just contemplation. Its just that time in the series of events and moments when a piece has to be fitted in the jigsaw of self discovery. Sometimes its hard to realise what all has gone by and why, because of our involvement in all the intricacies we miss the point. In order to see the point we have to get out of our own thoughts for a moment and take on the objective view. We need to look at ourselves, our relationships, our thoughts, our journey and our place as a speck in the world.

The sun has decided. Its time to go home. "your a control freak", he says to the sun and grudgingly climbs down the rock. The wind blows his hair in front of his eyes and the sun responds by clipping on its veil of clouds. He almost slips. "nice try".

There's music playing in the cave midway. There’s been a heartbreak. The ghost dances to that same song. The boy had heard it once before. He has an impulse to join in. He wishes he had a way to relieve his blues by just a dance but he would have to die first. The song stops and the ghost fades. The song was sweet and the dance was pure, he's tempted but he cant sin. The rocky floor is scared, for the jagged marks stick out in the receding light. The rocks have felt the music more than once. The cave is worth a look as it doesn’t appear to get any darker the deeper it gets, the light shows respect to it in uniformity.

He doesn't bother to check the time; he's past that. He's not scared to walk into the unexpected and the unexplored; he's past that. Sometimes when you've been hit bad with a dose of unexpected reality you realise that time and emotion are trivial in the bigger picture, they dont matter unless you want them to. He's realised this. Another cliché, another heartbreak.

We've all been created together in this world; living and non-living things, darkness and light, souls and ghosts. Existence should be able to overlap without consequence and conscience. So why care about fear of the unexpected and the conjunction of time with its experience? he knows this now. He is only governed by the impulse of his wonder.

Why have there been more dances in this cave? what is this place? why am i drawn to it?. He feels all his questions will be answered once he enters the cave. He's suppressed his memories so deep and so much that for random moments in time, he stops thinking altogether.

'I should have been born in simpler times', as soon as he thinks this he notices a shadow on the walls. Its not a shadow but paintings depicting a hunted animal being offered to a woman by a man then the two figures are drawn as one, apparently showing union. His pupils shrink and the boy phases out; a suppressed memory has been triggered.

'An offering... how typical! how can we look down upon materialism when its part of our root human nature? Nothings for free, you have to offer to receive!'. A random scar; revealed as he grits his teeth.

'I want the car keys on the table when i get out of the shower !', 'Yes sir', 'Where'r the keys??', 'The driver has gone to drop something off at your grandmother's place in the car', 'BUT I TOLD YOU GET THE KEYS 20 MINS AGO !', 'Sorry sir'- -* its getting late, she must be waiting* -- 'Which car is outside right now?', 'the old one sir, but its leaking water inside, the driver has to go get it fixed' -- *buzz* "hello?, yea im on my way..yea.. i`ll call when i get there" -- 'get me the keys'.

'Hi, im there', 'Turn left and you`ll see me standing outside', 'yea i see you', ' is that you in the white car?', 'yea', 'oh... okay', -- *pleasantries & awkward silence as her shoes get wet in the leaking water from the a.c which isnt working and its the middle of june* -- *shes never going to see me again after this*-- 'did you even shave?', 'erm no,i shaved yesterday' -- *Shaved that day, not my fault my stuble shows*-- 'this was great! thank you', 'urm yea im sorry it just didnt turn out the way i wanted it to', 'oh! dont worry it was all good!', 'sorry about your shoes', 'Goodbye then ! see you soon', 'yea, bubye... see you soon' -- *driving home thinking of what excuse to use to end it with her, but before something pops up she calls* -- 'hello! yea i was just going to call you..', ' umm, i dont think this will work out..', ' yea i understand..take care.. bubye' -- *so much for being myself, will i now be complexed with what i drive and what i wear to avoid a situation like this? ... am i good enough? will i ever be? *.

He snaps out of the trance, there's life in his eyes yet. He tried living the materialistically conscience life for a bit, but it wasn't worth it. There's moss stuck to his hands from touching the wall. 'Who needs to buy expensive faded and dirty lookin jeans', he thinks as he wipes his fingers with his jeans resulting in a cool looking smear. A sniffy half smile; 'materialism - zero, me - one'. An insignificant triumph, another few steps and another random scar.

Random Codes

2006-02-13T21:20:00.000-08:00

"Maps" Pack upI'm straightEnoughOh, say say sayOh, say say sayOh, say say sayOh, say say sayOh, say say sayWait, they don't love you like i love youWait, they don't love you like i love youMa-a-a-a-ps, wait! They don't love you like i love you...Made offDon't strayMy kind's your kind I'll stay the samePack upDon't strayOh, say say sayOh, say say sayWait! they don't love you like i love youWait! they don't love you like i love youMa-a-a-aps, wait!They don't love you like i love you...Wait! they don't love you like i love youMa-a-a-aps, wait!They don't love you like i love you...Wait, they don't love you like i love youWait, they don't love you like i love youMa-a-a-a-ps, wait! - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

"Strange and Beautiful" I've been watching your world from afar, I've been trying to be where you are, And I've been secretly falling apart, I'll see. To me, you're strange and you're beautiful, You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see, You turn every head but you don't see me. I'll put a spell on you, You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you. And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see, And you'll realise that you love me. Yeah... Yeah... Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first, Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes, And I know, the waiting is all you can do, Sometimes... I'll put a spell on you, You'll fall asleep, I'll put a spell on you, And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see, And you'll realise that you love me. I'll put a spell on you, You'll fall asleep 'cos I'll put a spell on you, And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see, And you'll realise that you love me, yeah... yeah... yeah... yeah... yeah... - Aqualung

Random gibberish

2006-01-11T17:25:00.000-08:00

its 2am and iv been woken up again by the constant shaggin of the resident tutor! he needs to oil his bed and well STOP MAKIN ALL THE FECKIN NOISE! bastard! i have an exam in the morning and he woke me up =/ well i guess its the only way the goat will live here is that if the students here stop listening to random music and wearing random expressions on their face. The law of torts is a tricky subject whereby im attracted to the beacon of life in her eyes which has this magnetic effect on me! i need to start playing soccer somewhere otherwise the walk to the fish and chip shop is going to be a guilt trip to cardiff to check out teh stuff on sale there as i prepare to sit down and give my open book exam in the morning with nothing in my head that the wind, the earth and the sheep.
My favourite word in the english language has to be PULSAR. she reminds me of a pulsar. How come i only remember things which i can relate or link to her. I know i wont get any answers here as my friends have turned my blog into an advertising board for malik pco, ah yes :D good times with malik pco! the rowdy bunch are back from a night of clubbin in cardiff and i ask myself if the silver spoon is going to jump over the cow or if i have time to watch top gun because i really feel like listening to its songs which i cant seem to download because the feckin university guys have blocked the p2p network and shit and the computer seems slightly a bit slowish to me now, i mean like a 0.1% difference i think, but i should scan everything out and remove all the software i dont need. I need to find myself a job, its just that i walked all the way to town today because i didnt want to cook and its been a while since iv been to a club, i should go this saturday! horse smsed that he got his ipod! good, he has exactly 6months to enjoy it before the hand of fate swoops in and gives him a reality check. yes i consider myself to be a sort of superhero and i was wearing this twatman t-shirt all day today and shes nice and all but the law of torts its interesting...i should call her tommorow, i cant expect things to just fall into my lap which is pretty nice when it happens though :D theres a gents night tommorow when 2 strippers are performing almost next door, but im going to a rags party!
Finished readin khushwant singh`s " Death at my doorstep" it was as usual another extremely interesting book by him. Always a good read, mostly because of the unedited statement of his thoughts. Writes what was exactly in his head. I wonder how shes doing now, i hope shes better now..i did bad and winnie the pooh is just so irritatingly cute. Tommorow i sign a contract to move into this house from sept. Cool house.. it`ll be good to live in a more open space, but i guess i`ll miss the residence with all its frequently interesting events. Two shers in khushwant singhs book really stuck in my head, i know why i remembered only these two.. the first was :

Na pooch kaun hain, kyon raah mein laachar baithey hain
musafir hain, safar karnay kee tamanna haar baithay hain

( Dont ask me who i am, why i sit helplessly by the roadside
I am a traveller who has lost the will to go to my destination )

Iv lost the will,yet i remain a traveller..ill reason to myself and pick myself up walk the distance again. Maybe im scared that my destination is nothing but a pulsar from the past.. a mirage. Should i fight the urge to let go of hope and face it ? why am i a pessimist? i wont get to know myself if i dont go through it. Its amazing how i dont even know myself completely yet, why am i a mystery to myself? or is it just a relflection i see on myself of my (hopefully not) mirage? random playlist.. a schiller song.. heh.. always gets you thinkin things you push in the back of your mind when you listen to hiphop or most other popular genres of music. schiller - i feel you, knows how to express himself i suppose. I remember another sher in the book, by iqbal .. reminds me of how differnt i am from her yet how similar i precieve it to be.. :
Main to jalta hoon ke muzmir meyree fitrat main soze
Tu ferozaan hai keh parvano se ho sanda teyra.

( I burn because it is in my nature to do so
Moths are drawn to you because with warmth you glow )

I wrote this sher to noon and he caught up on the most important thing.. parvana .. an interesting creature.. dies trying to get the very thing it strives for. I wonder if schezad mughal is working on a new album! me and asim are the only ones who seem to listen to him! I have to climb this hill, its just sitting out there through my window just beggin to be climbed ! next week hopefully! Eid today, or so i heard. i wonder what jugal bandi means. i wonder why i ask myself so many questions.

Random Sonnet

2005-12-20T05:22:00.000-08:00

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

~ Pablo Neruda

Random song

2005-12-16T08:20:00.000-08:00

Song to the siren

On the floating, ship less oceans
I did all my best to smile
till your singing eyes and fingers
drew me loving into your eyes
And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me;
Let me enfold you.
"Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.
Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you here when I was full sail?
Now my foolish boat is leaning, broken lovelorn on your rocks.
For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow.
"Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow.
I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.
I'm as riddled as the tide.
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or shall I lie with death my bride?
Hear me sing: "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you."
"Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."
-Tim Buckley-

Random Lyric.

2005-12-13T03:30:00.000-08:00

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies.

Random humour

2005-12-06T18:31:00.000-08:00

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders

hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a

dog and a cat.
The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a lovely fire

engine', he says admiringly.
'Thanks,' says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the

cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
The fireman says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine,

but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you
could
probably go a lot faster.
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog, and
at
the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a fecking siren...'

Peter Kay's quotes

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
Thyroid problem?"

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to
forgive me

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step ladder. I don't get
on with my real ladder

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French toast during the Renaissance

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names but
one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break
my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
From there on it was sticks and stones all the way

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Peter Kay's questions;
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your a*se?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there
is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Spagetti?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?

Peter Kay's Universal Truths;
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger
You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into
a calculator - then turned the figures upside down
Reading when you're drunk is horrible
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl
You never know where to look when eating a banana
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly
Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity
Some days you see lots of people on crutches
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush
Old women with mobile phones look wrong
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited
You never ever run out of salt
Old ladies can eat more than you think
You can't respect a man who carries a dog
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
your hand or head stuck in something
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
arm broken by a swan
The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an
upturned plug
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose
Bricks are horrible to carry
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad

One or Two ? ... Two.

2005-12-04T15:20:00.000-08:00

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
- Alexander Pope -

I look at the world through myself. If i didnt... then i`d be like you. Your stupid and ignorant of your stupidity which is so apparent to me. Why am i not you? Is it because i cant see the world through you? Maybe if i spent every living moment with you and observed your every move and slightest epiphany; i might be able to look through you. I still wouldnt be you because of my reactions and my own epiphanies in continuation of yours. Im not stupid, because im not you. Your not stupid because your not me. Is it just preception which differntiates us? Does compatibility mean being able to look at the world through each other? Is my touch the same as yours? How will i ever know? Do you feel your surroundings resonating through your senses as i do? If you dont, then how can you be so ignorant? I think its because your stupid ! I am me, something you can never be. You wont understand me. Why? Because i look at the world through myself.

my rock heart - my blessing..my curse..

2005-11-22T18:30:00.000-08:00

Moms birthday today.. won quiz comp. yesterday.. a bunch of us were sitting on one table and were split into 3 teams all putting in the same answers except when guessing.. my team came 1st.. the other two came 2nd and 3rd... wons loads of booze.. i wont a small contest and got a sports bag(won bag on sunday on sports quiz.. the next quiz was on monday) , a bottle of blue booze and a packet of assorted cadbury chocs. one guy on the team won two return tickets to anywhere in europe.. so had a really REALLY lucky day on monday.. luckiest ever for me i think.. today was comedy night.. the standup comedians there were hilarious.. especially this one guy.. who made us laugh through out so hard that i almost fell off my chair and couldnt breath ! it was good stuff ! some other stuff happend last week which i just cant bother to remember... i dont feel like writing posts on my blog anymore.. stupid people are messing up my cbox.. i`ll be taking it down in a day or so.. when im not too lazy .. i saw a bisexual girl with a straight guy and a lezzie, dont think anyone would be interested in this bit.. btw this was at the comedy night aswell..i also watched harry potter 4 in the cinema this past friday.. i loved it..i was captivated inside the movie throughout.. the next im gonna watch is the chronicles of narnia.. i saw the ad and i rememberd that i used to LOVE it when i was a kid.. absolutely loved it ! im excited about that..

A fraction of my thoughts at 4:23am 11 Nov. 2005.

2005-11-10T19:04:00.000-08:00

"eyes of a fallen angel... eyes of a tragedy.. "

eggs, cheese, butter and bread - my diet for the past week. i ran out of chicken and i cant be bothered to goto town and buy more. i`v been hooked to this song by james blunt since iv been here, hes like the new big thing here.. its " your beautiful" .. i listen to it because i can relate to it in a weird way. "i saw your face in a crowded place.. and i dont know what to do.. coz i`ll.." it hits base =/. someone asked me why i write blogs the other days, like what purpose they served. i kinda linked it to her having a phone conversation with her friends, like why does she do it ? to talk , to let stuff out and confide in friends... thats what i do here i suppose.. i cant talk to my friends from here.. but i need to get whatever im thinking out of my system , because i really dont like to think much , im happy in a blissful state of nothingness. thats the best =] , its like your young again , i have no worries, im living in the moment. i see the sky , i see the pattern in which the rain falls, i follow it up till sight dissapears into the dark sky . i notice the trees, i notice the colors.. im open to the effect of my surroundings.. i notice the the dual tones of the lush green hills.. one in the sun and the rest in the shade..i love the way it excites my senses. so i write what i think, i onfide to my friends - you might say this is publically accessable, but i write more inbetween the lines that i do in appearance. i make alot of blatant spelling mistakes, i sometimes wonder how i made it to uni. without ever learning how to write, how to spell and most of all about that crap grammar! i still have no clue about any of the rules... so i write unedited to portray my thoughts, i have my one way phone conversation this way... sometimes i write my soul , but im not worried about privacy.. i think its over-rated anyways.. respect is more important than privacy. why should you care about what people know about you? is it going to effect you in any way? not unless you let it. if its not a physical effect, then its a self inflicted effect, because you control whatever you let bother you, i choose not to let most stuff bother me. No matter what someone knows about me or think , i`ll continue to live. my fate is predecided.. i try not to worry , no tention.. because the least i can do is walk my predestined path with a smile. thats the least anyone can do.
i came across this.. it made me think..so i have to write it out of me.
" our external symbols must always express the life within us with absolute precision; how could they do otherwise, since that life has generated them? therefor we must not blame our poor symbols if they take forms that seem trivial to us or absrud for... the nature of our life alone has determined their forms. A critique of these symbols is a critique of ourselves. " - Angela Carter -

Buy me a cup of coffee..

2005-10-28T07:29:00.000-07:00

Heaven's doors wont open up to me ,with these broken wings im fallin... - Satan =]

Living on your own is liberating in ways which arent all good. For almost 2 decades someone or the other (read : mom) has been telling me what to do and now suddenly there just blank silence. Theres no one to judge my early morning excuses and i was never high on a moral conscious. I woke up from the alarm at 7:30 in the morning.. i wasnt feeling great but if i pushed myself harder i wouldv survived the workshop at 8, by instinct i came up with the excuse "im sick..iv got a fever..blahblah"..without Sgt. Mom i knew the excuse was just a formality to keep my vague sense of right and wrong from eroding.
Speaking of people telling me what to do, i was playing soccer yesterday and the ref. was this stocky scottish bloke! Instead of keeping the game in check he was trying to instigate a brawl! everytime i would make a strong tackle he`d, instead of telling me to keep it cool, say " thats the way! cmon lad get into it!" ( khattak wouldv liked him)
I saw a ghost in my room the other day. Maybe i was hallucinating as a result of being lonely in my room without a laptop (and hot blond girl) and a massive lack of sleep. Loneliness gets to you sometimes. It gets you so bad that you start to think. Yes, think. I was up late last night, couldnt sleep. I started to think about how i got here. I remembered a time 3 months ago when i had a similar discussion with myself, back then i mapped out all the possibilities and options i had for what i thought the future could hold for me. This one right here, the one possibility im living right now, was never an option. Fate in one instance in described.. :

" walk any path in destiny`s garden and you will be forced to choose not once but many times. The paths fork and divide with each step you take through destiny`s garden you make a choice ; and every choice determines future paths. However, at the end of a lifetime of walking you might look back and see only one path stretching out behind you ; or look ahead, and see only darkness." - Neil Gaiman , ' The Sandman '.

The next step i take will put me on a path which would cross the path of a hot blonde girl :D. hehe.. theres this spanish (looks so) chick sitting on the pc next to me and is constantly peeping at my window! This can mean one of three random possiblities:
1. Shes cross-eyed
2. She finds my post more interesting than this document she has open with biological lookin diagrams and lotsa blah blah.
3. She wants me.
so hey spanish chick if your reading this, buy me a cup coffee and i`ll tell you why cats smile..

Captains Log Stardate 231005

2005-10-23T08:02:00.000-07:00

heres the lowdown..
sunday! reading day =/ ..lotsa work piled up to read through! oh well..it was an interesting week for me. Went out lookin for fun thrice..monday.. wednesday and saturday (last night). monday was quiz night, it was good light fun with my new mates.. wednesday was German Beerfest, which was also fun! :D i dont drink so it was very amusing watching everyone aruond me get drunk .. and finally last night went to this dance party which was reallly fun ! *no details due to public access to this blog* :D ..
I played football , 7-a-side on turf! we had two matches.. i was new so they didnt start me.. but 3mins in and one guy twisted his ankle or something.. and *drumrolls* in came the one. yes, it was i ! =D anyways, this was my first time on turf so my movements were a bit slow..but it was fun.. i didnt score and we lost both our matches that day due to some realllllllllyyyy pathetic goalkeeping and suicidal defending..but it was a good laugh! o and (*boys read carefully) i got new truf shoes :D :D :D :D.. WHITE new total 90s.. *ZIPPPLETS !!
o and i think i might have a stalker because everyday someone knocks on my door and then i hear someone running away..when i open the door *naturally* theres no one there.. Hmmm... also i had this other problem that someone who lived in the room above mine made ALOT of noise during the night (*shagging) and then some in the morning ..on weekends especially.. i was thinking of telling that person to keep it down, above my floor is the girls floor, so i presumed it would be some girl.. turns out .. above me lives the resident tutor and her boyfriend, WHO is the captain of the rugby team and is HUGE.. he could eat me alive without burping.
* Mr. Warf set co-ordinates to ......
......... bye :D

Captains log. star-date 171005

2005-10-17T02:47:00.000-07:00

Exploring new lands is expensive! I had a very interesting weekend with rowdy french guys and girls dressed as school sluts.. and some other not AS interesting stuff.
Its 10:52am , and im in uncharted territory. I came to this lab class around 15mins late, i dont have any clue what to do here..but by invading other peoples privicy i can tell this is just a filler class..( today anyways ). For some STRANGE reason there are ONLY girls in this class , not even ONE other guy !.. im begining to wonder if im in the right room.. Hmmm... or if i have stumbled upon some secret-lab-for-hot-chicks ! :D .. but i`v lived enough to know to NEVER question the good things in life.. because when you do.. some really huge african man will come sit on the p.c next to yours !
On the topic of really huge african men.. i met this REALLLYYYYY tall african guy who speaks french ( dont remember where he`s from, prolly some french colony ) ..but this guy is CRAZY.. he runs around his residence corridor NAKED ( he was told off by the office guy and he now wears a shower robe) and he ONLY talks about PORN and other such related things.. he would be a perfect addition to either godley or kelly houses back in Aitchison :D but this guys gives out too much information.. hes always singing ..making weird noises and talking aobut doing his girlfriend back home. more about him later. Then theres this other french guy i made friends with whos not so interesting :P o.. and that black french guy is ALI .. pronounced ALY by him. ooo some really pretty girl just sat next me :D ( " heLLo darling..you look a bit lost " ) hehehe.. damit! i have another class to get to now !! crap.. aight i left my school slut/cheerleader costume girls out.. oh well.. may i live to blog another day then !!

Captains log. star-date 131005

2005-10-13T10:28:00.000-07:00

I reached this alien land some 2 days ago on 11th october. It took me 18hrs of travel to get to this valley. I had to stop at 2 other alien towns en route. ... damit i was going to write a cool blog, but i have to rush tothe studnt union office and get my card made before it cloeses.. so in short.. im new here.. the uni. is huge.. its on a valley... a river runs through it.. and its really really REALLY beautiful !... o and i get lost everytime i leave my room :D...

Black and White

2005-07-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

In the words of 'Reliant k', i state:
"I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape "

its funny that sometimes im able to find lyrics which i can relate to ! maybe its because this age im in.. maybe all that confusion i got going on it normal and it just happens.. but then something so splitting cant be natural.. anyways i suppose what made the song writer feel the way he did when he wrote the song is most likely different from whats gone on with me..
I have a weird natural instinct ... and that is to LOOK for trouble.. actually wait and search for trouble.. its almost funny the way i navigate through all the green patches of platonic happy rose hedges to actually force my way into poison ivy... maybe its my way of taking part in my own brand of X-Games.. the kind not sponsered by ESPN .. but rather by some show like " jerry springer" but a little less weirder than that and certainly more weirder than whats on oprah, who i believe is a feminist and after today`s show feat. serena and venus williams i believe shes a liar aswell.. i wonder how she got a talk show host job in the first place , not to say that she doesnt do a pretty good job, but i thought at one point in her life shes used to shop lift.. so how does some that poor (not to mention her color and appearance as in reality shes a triple minority..- woman,black and ugly.. ) but anyways.. not to stray from the discussion in hand.. my uncanny knack of getting in trouble...
So far what i`v concluded from my constant brainstorming, which has wrecked the sane stable ship in my head, is that it is my ignorance and my disbelief that lands me in such situations.. i have to confess im a weak man.. and a somewhat control freak. I know we cant control much in our life.. but i belive i can exert atleast some sort of control on life.. which these days is best described as 'skiddish' .. i believe i can control by body somewhat as i always dare to push it to the boundries.. given my shape it was a wonder , even to myself that i got into the athletics team back in college.. i know there are people who would have more stamina than me but i believe in self in that part..where others i guess dont [ hypocricy creeping up , `eh ? =) ] i try and exert control also on some parts of my future , which i know i cant , but its a good run anyways.. i`v gone off a bit from my initial trail of thught mainly due to the fact that my cousin is harrassing me to tell him about his ex , in whom i bumped into today.. thats a good tale in its own respect.. *another hold up.. the simpsons is on.. :D
Black and white - the title for this unconventional divulsion of my brainworks has a reason. I have gotten into a situation , which is the root of all this (evil?) blogness, in which both my options are as contrasting as the colors black and white.. and this is not just in a deep symbolic way...

bah ! ode to dastiism.. bring on more food and soccer...

[ ! ] & [ ? ]

2005-07-18T01:32:00.000-07:00

"i close my eyes to see.. and i know.. your a part of me.. and its your song..... that sets me free
i sing it while.. i feel i cant hold on... and i sing tonight... coz it comforts me .. "

"a street light shinin.. a wide light blindin bright.. burnin off and on.."

"look me up a new revolution..coz this one is lie.. .. im lookin to the sky to save me.. lookin for a sign of life.. lookin for somethin` to help me burn out bright..im lookin for a complication..lookin coz im tired of tryin.. to make my way back home.. and learn to fly.."

"i am a lil bit'a lonliness..a lil bit'a disregard..a handful of complaints..but i cant help the fact that everyone can see these scars.. "

" almost fell into that hole in your life..i saw the world spin beneath you..and scatter like ice from the spoon.."

" you say ..go slow... i fall behind.. .. the drum beats out of time.."

"life.. .. its not hard to fall.. when you float like a cannon ball.."

" will you stay with me.. will you be my love ..among the fields of barley... you can tell the sun..in his jealous sky.. we walked in fields of gold.."

" mujhay tera naam tu bata... phir kaisay pukaray tujhay.. kaisay pukaray... akele hum nadiya kinare.."

" mere nazarain tu gilla karteen hain.. .. teray dill ko..aye sanam tujhse.. bhee shikayat hoo gee.."

" look at the stars.. look how they shine for you...and all the things that you do.."

" i lost myself.. in my search to find.. something else ... to hide behind.."

"i tried to make my way to you.. but still i feel so lost.. i dont know what else i can do.."

" my pain ..is self-chosen.. atleast..i believe it to be.. .. i could either burn..or cut off my pride and buy some time.."

"she thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway.. but outside..it starts rainin.."

"and not to pull your halo down..around your neck..and tug you off your cloud.."

"feed my will to feel this moment..urging me to cross the line.. "

" in the garden..i was playin guitar...i kissed your lips..and broke your heart.. you.. you were acting like it was the end of the world.."

the inevitable

2005-06-21T12:44:00.000-07:00

Just when i give in and accept what seems like the inevitable, hope raids in to spoil the party. It doesnt come anytime before or after that period of acceptance. Hope is fate`s weapon of choice. The torture is slow and blinds predictability.
I know it will start fading till the next point of influx. It will come again.
Hope, my obnoxious brother. I hate to love it... but i keep a light burning out for it nevertheless.

Scrubs, Math and Ry Cooder. (Message for - S.A.M )

2005-06-16T02:27:00.000-07:00

On real men writting too many blogs ( read randomness, supernova and mcfussto) :
- There's wrong, and then there's wrong, and then there's this. ( Hartigan, Sin City)

Boys , its aight to be a little sensitive and being gay. STOP. Are you all forgetting your roots? For God`s sake men.. PULL YOUR SELVES TOGETHER !! you dont have to blog each and every thought you have while describing your whole day.. hold it in!
Put your hands in your pockets.. and hold on to your life! - ( Maj. Azhar)
if you cant hold it in, get an emotional spunge. By that i mean a friend who listens or a significant other. (preferably the latter :D )
Note : i did not give my suggestion a sex, as that prevents supernova from associating.

A leaf from my tree.

2005-06-07T02:23:00.000-07:00

I state, not question. Time is beyond me.
Sometimes i wonder whatever happend to the past. I wonder why it just stopped. Why is not something continuous. Is it something so continuous that its evolution instead of augmenting on it ,on the contrary diminishes it. I wonder because the past comes back in seldom patches. Like a sudden gust of wind which refreshes you but at the same time leaves you in a static state of anti-climax in which you wonder.
Sometimes the past passes through me. Sometimes i smell that fragrence of summer when i used to be a kid. The aura that used to be when i was carefree and careless. I wonder why that is. How can summer be differentiated through time. Maybe its my state of mind. Maybe sometimes im so caught up in this world , which is designed like a net in which if your not caught up and dragged forward ..............
I ate rice today. Its significance extends beyond my will to live. I tasted the past in one bite. I cant explain that. I wonder if its because of the evolution in the agriculture sector. I wonder why one bite. Why not the whole helping.
Nostalgia. When i lock my heels and refuse to be dragged,forward?

unleashed - almost

2005-05-30T11:58:00.000-07:00

i`d filled "Dastiism" in the title of this blog.. but before i could preach.. a certain rendition of maeri started playing.. and in came nostalgia bundled together like a haystack with " wat ifs " and wishful thoughts.. *sigh .. 'dastiism is holding on'.. hopefully in my next post i shall venture into a doctrine unprecedented and unexplored by mankind. A code... a sense of being.. a state of acheiving and a dipiction of preception. I shall unravel the mysteries of what, why and how coupled with resolute and ancient theories like the " Two Woman Theory ", " Solid Theory" and many more. Let this posting serve as a caution, a warning if you may.. Dastiism is not for the weak hearted and the moderate. Let me pose a conundrum to you, why do you think man has not figured out the meaning of life? Because if the meaning was figured out, then ' life' would cease to exist and then purpose will take birth. Friends.. foes.. Dastiism will impregnate you with purpose.

E.T.A 2 Days.. - these days..

2005-05-25T02:26:00.000-07:00

2 days till my exams finish..

i was walkin around just a face in the crowd..tryin to keep myself out of the rain..
saw a vagabond king wearin a styrofoam crown..wondered if i might end up the same..
theres a man out on the corner.. singin old songs about change..
everybodys got their cross to bare thes days..
She came looking for some shelter with a suitcase full of dreams
To a motel room on the boulevard I guess she's trying to be James Dean
She's seen all the disciples and all the wanna be's
No one wants to be themselves these days... Still there's nothing to hold on to but these days..
These days - the stars seem out of reach
But these days - there ain't a ladder on the streets
These days - are fast, nothing last in this graceless age
Even innocence has caught the midnight train ...
And there ain't nobody left but us these days..
- These Days - Bon Jovi

Cant wait to say Good bye to the longest days of my life ..Champions league final tonight.. final exam tomorrow .. dillema.. but i`ll hold through.. i wonder how long it`ll be till i realize im bad at sayin goodbyes..

e.t.a 2 days

2005-05-20T22:57:00.000-07:00

2 more days left till the inevitable .. this chronological plague : final examinations .

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today
But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love
- Lost Prophets -

i cant wait for the summers to begin ; if for just to be able to act on impulse.

Happy Birthday to ME! =D

2005-05-17T12:19:00.000-07:00

happpyyyy birrthhhdayyyy toooo meeeee ... happpyyyy biirrthhhdaayyyy tooo meeee...... haaapppyyyy biirtthhhdaaayyyy deaaarrr meee... happpyyy biirrrthhhdaayyy tooo mmeee...! =D yayyyyy!!! not many people remember my birthday.. got a few calls.. but i dont blame `em.. im not one to remember birth dates aswell =] .. but watever... YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

dear diary

2005-05-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

what is a blog ? why do we write `em ? does this make me the metaphorical proverbial little girl who starts the end of each night with " dear diary " ? This is all noons fault..i`v become a wuss.As long as im in this confessional mood ; I LOVE BSB !! WOHOO ! :D ..
so Intreaking! (*star treck android flashback !) that im criticising myself for writting blogs while writting one! *hah.. irony.. my weird friend.
These days im trying to fininsh my perp for my contract law exam, but while doing contract , the criminal law book starts looking really interesting (vice versa otherwise!) . So anyways everyones so caught up in their studies these days trying to remember hunderds of cases for each subject.. but here i am doing my " dear diary " for the day for no apparent reason other than providing me with an excuse ( intellectual stimulation) so i wont have to back to the " table" (cf the chair - capital punishment) . the only case which seems to stick in my memory is that of " Pithum Vs. Hehl " maybe because it sounds funny ..because nothing really interesting happened in it. But there is this case ; its regarded as theft if you pickup abandoned golf balls in a golf course because they still remain the property of the club , so this genius dressed up in a frogman costume , jumped in a lake and gathered lotsa golf balls and when they caught him he said they cant possiblly hold animals responsible. its very stupid, yes, but let me tell you.. when your locked up in one room surrounded by books and an ugly wallpaper.. it really makes your day when a case this stupid comes across ! i finished reading the biography of Khushwant Singh ; Truth, love & a little Malice .. brilliant book! that man lived an interesting life and wrote it even more interestingly ! i came acorss this stanza by Iqbal .. which inspired him when he hit rock bottom... it read :

Jahaan mein ahle-eemaan soorat-khursheed jeetay hain
Idher doobey, udher nikley ; Udher doobey, idher nikley

i understood it quickly because of the translation in english which was provided in the book which i dont remember ! but it kinda means that a man of faith cant be held down for long, he goes down in one instance and rises up the next.

supernova...she said

2005-05-08T07:48:00.000-07:00

supernova...she said
React.

How it all began

2005-05-08T07:38:00.000-07:00

"choose life. choose a job. choose a career. choose a family. choose a fucking big television. choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers...choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a sunday morning. choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than a embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. choose your future. choose life...." - Trainspotting -

Im a free spirit .. shouldnt be held down.