Stare at the sun.

Yesterday. Things floated in. Things I didn't want to be thinking about but was somehow forced to I suppose. Those thoughts are mainly to do with regret and figuring out if they were regrets yet or not. Those thoughts involved trying to figure out what the problem really was and why it was so. To figure that out I had to ask questions of myself beyond those which really concerned the current dilemmas but more general, retro and personal. I had myself thinking amongst my other thoughts why I think this way that I do sometimes. This blog was written at 6 in the morning because I couldn't sleep due to a few things, which mainly included me dozing off after a hearty dinner. Then I couldn't go back to sleep after I'd woken up after a few hours so I watched some television on which I mindlessly sat through 'Happy Gilmore' & 'Dogma'.

Why does happiness diminish relatively with age? Except for the blotch at the start when your born crying.. this reminds me of limpy's kink curve!(kinda) so after the initial kink on being born and being grumpy at the start the graph just goes downwards. I was happier at 5 than at 10 and likewise more so at 10 than 15 and so on. I make as much sense as limpy did to me.

Anyways back to the start then, I still haven't concluded all of my thinking. I'm still somewhere in between where I wanted to finish and where I'm headed. Obviously in all this I'm keeping in mind the fact if I think too much at times and yea I know that I most probably do but then I'm totally blank at other times as well so I suppose it all kind of evens itself out. The thing is that I get that superficial feeling of the need to evaluate myself. It's a chronic ailment. So this phase of evaluation involves, among other things, to figure out my current situation and consider the possibility of it being a case of 'as good as it gets' or if I could and should move on to better and brighter things. I guess one of the reasons why I do this could possibly be that I'm trying to compensate for the time Iv wasted. It could also very well be that I'm facing the challenge of being definitive in life and tackling all my demons head-on. Being the realist that I like to believe myself to be I think it's the latter. My mind will continue to go around in circles till some divine epiphany breaks the cycle.

In an effort to simplify my problems by making my answer choice binary, iv concluded that I have to choose between the 'what if' and the 'what now'. At this moment in time I'm going with the 'what now'. I'm thinking that this is as good as its going to get for me, so I'm asking myself the question 'what now?'. I couldn't help but find myself in this situation when most of my cornerstones start casting shadows. I'm looking for happiness in a moment every other moment and I find it in a sitcom or in a friend's cheesy joke. Why? I'm not sure. I cant help but get the feeling that this chronic ailment is called growing up, even if its in a moment every few hundred.

On the lighter side, iv joined the university footy league and we have our matches/training in the most beautiful place ever! countless football fields surrounded by green hills, a forest and an amazing lake. The pitches have the softest carpet like grass.. *nip..* in those 90mins life IS as good as it gets and im 5 again.