Alchemy

The rain washes away all, along with our hopes for the day.

It may provide reprieve for some today;

It  heralds the arrival of the summer sun.

Like an executioner sharing an anecdote;

Before aiming the gun.

Make haste, start living your life.

Today will always seem calm,

and tomorrow a storm.

Take control and put on your rain-coat.

Its not going to be pleasant but we must face that someday;

better today than tommorrow.

There they were; two trees arching for an entrance from nowhere of relevance into nothing in particular except for staging the battle between the moon and the darkness, with the moonlight falling piercingly like sharp arrows and the darkness swallowing them like a hungry river.

There is a fire burning in the distance, it flickers and goes out; like a faraway star which was already dead when it was christened. There is a law of equivalent trade in everything in the universe. There can be no absolute joy without the possibility of absolute pain.

*Trrrinngg*Trrringg* The sound of the elderly Sohrab Bicylce drew me out of my aloof and apathetic gaze. Thats when it happened a distincnt chance encounter with the sensation of freedom. What did that sensation look like? It had an unadulterated, unassuming and pointless smile. Pointless because it wasn't because of or towards somebody, it was just because it was, with no agenda of its own. Like a lonesome wildflower on the top of a hill, with no apparent purpose, but beautiful in its 'derive-less purpose' existence.

There was fire in those eyes and a mysterious cohesion with the elements all around. The fire burns, but i've already tied myself to the stake. I'm warm, i'm disillusioned... i'm a moth.

Like a fleeting fragrance, she came, she passed and she intoxicated. A thousand conflicts were put at bay. A thousand myths were slayed. A million more were born.

In one moment, inbetween one blink, one heartbeat, one breath and one flap of a moth's wings, i was dismantled and then restructured; standing there staring at the possibility of absolute pain. 

Of things known and unknown.

Is there is a thread that starts in another plane, crosses into this plan where I’m conscious about having a life, then it is supposed to cross back before it does a cross-stitch to cover up what was known as my existence here on earth?

How many of us have wondered about it? Why can’t we find the answer? Why do we suppress our curiosity? Where is this all going? Where all has it gone to so far? Where is it at right now?

So what happens when you die? Am I the only one who thinks about that, even though I write “Muslim” whenever a form asks me my religion? If I’m not the only one then why is everyone so obsessed with the accumulation of material wealth? This life is temporary, why the need for a bigger flat screen T.V? Why the struggle to save for a better car? Why lie to the beggar to afford a nicer meal? Why the fuss to find a financially settled husband? Why the designer bag and the Rolex watch?

If I really believe, why am I not out there doing everything I possibly can to earn as much divine brownie points to improve my chances to get into heaven? Why will I still wake up in the morning, convince myself that I’m working towards a better tomorrow and go through my routine for the day? Shouldn’t I be out there feeding the hungry, sheltering the homeless, lending a hand to the needy and standing up for a cause? Shouldn’t you? 

What if I get into heaven? Will I just spend eternity drinking from the rivers of milk and bedding the dozens of “virgins”? Is heaven really the promise of gluttony and debauchery? Do people actually believe that they will indulge in all their fantasies in the after- life if they just control their perversion in this? Don’t they find it slightly ironic? If, in heaven, I’m supposed to get the woman I fancy in this life, then what of her? What if she doesn’t fancy spending eternity with me? Will she be a clone? If I know not any ambition, any jealousy, any vice and any sense of space/time, then will I still know lust and love? What if this life is just the test between heaven and hell? What if we’re all coming from hell and God is testing us to see if we’re ready for heaven now? Isn’t it the easy way out to just lose ones-self in religion and shutout the real world? Isn’t that cheating the test? Is it a coincidence that belief-systems exist, when without them there would be open anarchy? Without it we would never discover what civil means to a civilization? Would we find an alternative route in our evolutionary pursuit to achieve equilibrium with our surroundings; like all living organisms? Or would we fail just the same?

If I just walked out my gate tomorrow morning to go help the needy, how long will it be till I myself become one with the needy? What of my dreams? Is it a materialistic pursuit to want to see the whole world? Is it wrong to want to walk that mile to see if that really is love; this time, and not just another mirage? What is the noble pursuit? Could we exist without commerce? 

Murtaza, you’re a hypocrite aren’t you? Why are you so conflicted? Does your curiosity of the after-life and its mechanics outweigh your curiosity of this life? How long before the scales tilt? Are you made of stone? Will you still wake up tomorrow in the pursuit of your own happiness? You will, wont you? Do you know something that the rest of the world doesn’t?

Presence of Absence

Light, find yourself
for i have lost my path.
turn on your crimson flares
join my quest for knowledge.
bridge the torch and the fire.
light, show yourself....
you are the absence of darkness..
Time, measure yourself
for i shall deny you.
deny all the memoirs you wrote in me.
all the vows that you gave to me.
let change be engraved in all the stillness
in all the sadness...the dullness....
time,heal yourself
for presence,should you symbolise.

Mystery,uncloud yourself
for my search has not yet ended;
as the wine, it tastes unpure.
it lacks the essence of life
which i have turned to find...
and in vain not shall the day die
till such valor ,it remains inside.
mystery, come outside
and quench my thirst,honour my mind.
Emptiness, fill yourself
for i am provoked to swallow you;
lay not like a figure of depression.
be not a hollow cave.
nor a faceless entity of pure thought.
emptiness, go away
you are an insignia of absence...

Is it my turn yet?

Today i heard an old song after a long time. Things racked up in the back of my mind got dusted. I realised that some part of me is still waiting for the next moment a few years ago. I think i have in some respect refused to move on, still waiting for 'time' to work its wonder, to heal, to connect or to discover. So i sit in an outlined box by myself.. behind me all the moments covered in dust & weathered just preserved by my memories when they pass through ever so rarely. So i sit, hunched & resting my head on my knees... my clothes torn and worn out, sticking out in the vast landscape of sand and stone as the wind sways about almost driven by lust; trying to wipe away my path behind me and enriching the unknown infront of me.
Every now and again i get up, dust myself and wander on ahead. I walk. I see. I try. I scar. I always find myself coming back to my familiar old box. It is where it got as good as it was to get for me.
Even the mirage gave up and left as it couldnt find anything to play on anymore. I wonder when it might come back. I wonder if ultimately i would have to just wander on ahead content at gazing at someone else's hallucination.
Where is my oasis to conjure?

[?] (Draft written last year on some random night)

I wonder what it is about 'first times' that make them etched in your memory forever. Everyone remembers their first time of almost everything, be it a bad or an estatic experience. What happens when we think we've run out of firsts?

I wonder if everything in life is really black & white... with some shades of grey. Be born. Get an education. Get a job. Marry. Have kids. Get them an education. Die.

I wonder how many people are actually different from that one-line-life. I know almost everyone likes to say & imply that they are different, that theres more to them than being a glorified reproductive organism. Everyone has to have a role in the world. A title to give them identity. Money, i read in an obscure book, is the honey of humanity. Would, at the the end, my life even merit a plaque on a park bench?

One page at a time.

Sometimes repeats are a way of letting your heart think so that your mind is free to wander places with trees and wild flowers.
Swarms of bees make that honey which tastes so sweet but there is always bound to be that sting in getting it. I wonder if I have that sting now.
I wonder like im supposed to in solitude. I wonder like im made to and I wonder as the t-junction of my faith and past force me to.
There are people in the world who are made for you to like without any real reason or affection. You just like them because they create that sensation in you. I think its something to do with the bodys rocket-science or something somewhat.
T-junctions are quiet the speed bumps when you are in a flow racing towards a particular conclusion of nothingness. They are actually a mirage of the complications underneath. A decision is never a singular decision in its entirety.

Belief is taught and not realised, maybe that’s the biggest flaw about it. Maybe it’s the way its preached or maybe that its preached in the first place.
So what we believe to be a t-junction may in reality be a cross-road and that faith blinds as its supposed to. Straying from going on the divine hunt is what really clouds the extension of the junction. I may never know for sure unless im born from my limitations. So I wonder whose making is this womb. I wonder because im dependant on it. I wonder what it nourishes me on.
Belief suffers when an idea is created. Its like they are from the same life force, like that once singular life force is being tampered with by ideas. Were moths to an idea’s glow, it doesn’t matter if its evil or pure, we’re consumed before we can really figure out. So what if i were born without the injection of perception as the commercial drug? Would my instincts exist? I really cant be sure. Without that injection, human nature in itself would be a voluntary vaccination. Man-made takes on a whole new meaning, personally speaking.

Stare at the sun.

Yesterday. Things floated in. Things I didn't want to be thinking about but was somehow forced to I suppose. Those thoughts are mainly to do with regret and figuring out if they were regrets yet or not. Those thoughts involved trying to figure out what the problem really was and why it was so. To figure that out I had to ask questions of myself beyond those which really concerned the current dilemmas but more general, retro and personal. I had myself thinking amongst my other thoughts why I think this way that I do sometimes. This blog was written at 6 in the morning because I couldn't sleep due to a few things, which mainly included me dozing off after a hearty dinner. Then I couldn't go back to sleep after I'd woken up after a few hours so I watched some television on which I mindlessly sat through 'Happy Gilmore' & 'Dogma'.

Why does happiness diminish relatively with age? Except for the blotch at the start when your born crying.. this reminds me of limpy's kink curve!(kinda) so after the initial kink on being born and being grumpy at the start the graph just goes downwards. I was happier at 5 than at 10 and likewise more so at 10 than 15 and so on. I make as much sense as limpy did to me.

Anyways back to the start then, I still haven't concluded all of my thinking. I'm still somewhere in between where I wanted to finish and where I'm headed. Obviously in all this I'm keeping in mind the fact if I think too much at times and yea I know that I most probably do but then I'm totally blank at other times as well so I suppose it all kind of evens itself out. The thing is that I get that superficial feeling of the need to evaluate myself. It's a chronic ailment. So this phase of evaluation involves, among other things, to figure out my current situation and consider the possibility of it being a case of 'as good as it gets' or if I could and should move on to better and brighter things. I guess one of the reasons why I do this could possibly be that I'm trying to compensate for the time Iv wasted. It could also very well be that I'm facing the challenge of being definitive in life and tackling all my demons head-on. Being the realist that I like to believe myself to be I think it's the latter. My mind will continue to go around in circles till some divine epiphany breaks the cycle.

In an effort to simplify my problems by making my answer choice binary, iv concluded that I have to choose between the 'what if' and the 'what now'. At this moment in time I'm going with the 'what now'. I'm thinking that this is as good as its going to get for me, so I'm asking myself the question 'what now?'. I couldn't help but find myself in this situation when most of my cornerstones start casting shadows. I'm looking for happiness in a moment every other moment and I find it in a sitcom or in a friend's cheesy joke. Why? I'm not sure. I cant help but get the feeling that this chronic ailment is called growing up, even if its in a moment every few hundred.

On the lighter side, iv joined the university footy league and we have our matches/training in the most beautiful place ever! countless football fields surrounded by green hills, a forest and an amazing lake. The pitches have the softest carpet like grass.. *nip..* in those 90mins life IS as good as it gets and im 5 again.