A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders
hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a
dog and a cat.
The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a lovely fire
engine', he says admiringly.
'Thanks,' says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the
cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
The fireman says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you
could
probably go a lot faster.
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog, and
at
the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a fecking siren...'
Peter Kay's quotes
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
Thyroid problem?"
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to
forgive me
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step ladder. I don't get
on with my real ladder
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French toast during the Renaissance
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names but
one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break
my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
From there on it was sticks and stones all the way
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade
Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions;
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your a*se?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there
is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Spagetti?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths;
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger
You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into
a calculator - then turned the figures upside down
Reading when you're drunk is horrible
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl
You never know where to look when eating a banana
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly
Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity
Some days you see lots of people on crutches
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush
Old women with mobile phones look wrong
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited
You never ever run out of salt
Old ladies can eat more than you think
You can't respect a man who carries a dog
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
your hand or head stuck in something
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
arm broken by a swan
The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an
upturned plug
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose
Bricks are horrible to carry
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad
